updates

I don’t know about you, but for yours truly, the past 3 years have kicked my ass. Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. These are the main perpetrators of my year hiatus from the blog. I literally couldn’t write anything. I would just look at my laptop, my closed laptop, and feel nothing. Oh, I had feelings, emotions, opinions up the wazoo, yet, when it came to actually sitting down and writing…nada. Until this week. The powers that be, the universe, Jesus, the Smurfs, whomever you choose, helped to light the fire in me once again. So as I sat down at my desk, plugged in my laptop, dusted it off, the universe and it’s infinite humor, reminded me to have patience and ask for help.

I don’t know if you know this, but when you don’t turn on a laptop for over a year, a 12 year old laptop, it um, doesn’t like it. So, there I was, starting, restarting, googling on my phone whatever I thought I should google, from laptop stuck in update loop, to laptop not loading new chrome, to 12 year old laptop not loading, to which my screen went black with the little arrow swirling around. Yes, I do believe my laptop and google were mocking me. Thankfully, the hubby is handsome and handy, and I begrudgingly limped up the stairs (twisted my knee in my sleep, welcome to 50, another tale for another time) and said “Honey, can you help me?”. …and since I’m writing, you know how the story ends. After asking for help, allowing myself to receive said help, and 1.5 hours later, without a tantrum from yours truly, my laptop loaded up and here I am.

I really didn’t have a plan for today’s tale. Looks like the universe gave me one. Those who know me, know all too well I can be hyper independent, some may say stubborn. I am not great at asking for help, and as for patience? Whew. It took 47 years and a goddamn pandemic to teach me that one. That being said, I gotta say, I’m proud of myself today. I asked for help, I took deep breaths and had patience. I didn’t take the laptop fiasco of 2023 personally. I took accountability of said fiasco, because it was me and me alone that did not open my laptop. Did I yell? Nope. Did I get mad at my husband? Nope. Did my palms sweat? Yep. Did my stomach hurt? Hell yeah. Did I get through it? You bet your ass I did. There was a time, I would have blamed Bill Gates himself for my technical issues. I would have either thrown my laptop in the trash and furiously ordered a new one or thrown it out and repeated over and over “See!?! Proof you shouldn’t blog again!” until I forced myself to believe it. Thankfully those days are gone. Gone but not forgotten.

That’s the thing about old habits, they try to rear their heads every once in a while. Right when you think you have your shit together, and you “got this!”, BAM! Your stomach starts to hurt, you feel a little sick and you feel yourself going back to your old ways, because they are what you know, as uncomfortable as they are, you feel comfort from the familiarity. It’s so screwed up, I know.

I’m not an expert, nor a guru on the mount. I’m here to tell you, we are all works in progress. If you’re reading this, you’re alive and you’re here, you made it another day. We have successfully made it through another day. We all have our own shit to deal with, let alone the shit of others. We are all flawed and we are all fabulous. It’s time to give yourself some grace. Take some deep breaths, and some more. Dance around your kitchen like a fool. Get outside, even for 5 minutes. .. and before you throw out a laptop, ask for help.

“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen

Lately, during conversations with friends and loved ones alike, I have found myself thinking, some times even stating out loud, “if more people spoke of the ugly, the world would be a beautiful place.”. What’s the “ugly” you ask? Fear. Anxiety. Depression. Anger. Panic. Addiction. …to name a few. The “beautiful place” being we would all realize that we have more in common then we do not. I cannot count how many times in the last few months I have heard someone say “Really? You went through this too?”, “You mean my kid isn’t the only one?”, “You mean you have had money troubles too?”, “You’ve felt like you were failing as a parent? I thought it was just me!”.

It’s time to start to bring some light to the darkness of our lives. It’s time to start talking about those things you don’t talk about at party’s. It’s time to stop being ashamed and start being empowered. I can tell you, right now, a friend is looking at your Instagram or Facebook wishing their life was as full as yours and their family as happy as yours – all the while, you are trying to figure out how you are going to pay your mortgage this month, or hoping that your child finds the right therapist to help them, and no one is the wiser. After years of trying to keep up with the Joneses, the Kardashians, you name it, I was tired, mentally, emotionally and physically. So, as scary as it was, I stopped trying to be perfect, stopped acting like everything was coming up roses and just let my life be what is was. Sometimes it was funny, sometimes it was sad. Many days had their hiccups and many were smooth sailing. One thing was certain, I sure as hell wasn’t as tired. Life, parenting, marriage, work can be tiring enough, why add more to get less? For all of you out there;

it’s okay not to like your kids. You love them, you don’t always have to like how they are behaving
it’s okay to understand why animals sometimes eat their young
it’s okay if you don’t see your parents every weekend. They had kids and a life before you – they get it. Deep down, they get it
you are not the only parent worried about their child
at least two people you know have children that are struggling as yours is – be it with their studies, their friends or their mental health
just because your friends are world travelers does not mean they can afford it
more people have financial strain than don’t.
we have all felt like getting in our cars, changing our names and living the vida loca

It’s time for uncomfortable conversations – especially for those of us who chose marriage. More often than not, in my own marriage, the problems I thought we had and the problems my hubby thought we had weren’t even in the same realm.

your spouse is not your psychic friend. You need to tell them what you need and what you want
before thinking for your husband, ask him what he is thinking. Trust me, it’s never what you think it is and usually has to do with food.
Gents – if you think your wife is mad at you, ask her if she is. I know. I know. It’s like I am asking you to go into the snake pit. Most of the time, if your wife seems ticked – it’s not about you. Hell, he could be sitting there thinking you are sighing so much because you are mad at him all the while you are mad at windows 10 and their damn automated updates.
after hearing of others marriage/relationship woes, remember those are their problems, not yours. Try not to make their problems your own. …just because your bff’s hubby hides that he surf’s porn doesn’t mean yours does.
if you truly are not happy, you need to talk about that. Maybe you will stay together, maybe you won’t. If love, respect and honesty are there, it will always work out.
remember that your 10% may be their 100% and vice versa.

What you may see as a short coming, others may see as an achievement. Admitting your fears may help another face their own. Being true to yourself may allow another to do the same. We give children a night light so the darkness doesn’t seem as scary, so why not give ourselves a night light of our own?