writing in a journal

Yes, it’s been a while. 7 months have passed since I last sat down to write. My last post was in February, so it’s really been 9 months since my last post. I had written a few posts, but never posted them. Not out of worry or fear of judgement, I hung that hat up long ago. I didn’t post them because they weren’t genuine. I wasn’t speaking my truth. So, I took a break. Closed up my laptop and didn’t open it up again until an hour ago. After fighting with my internet connection telling me the password was incorrect and getting my millennial daughter to assure me I wasn’t a dinosaur, and that in fact my husband had changed the password, without writing it down, or giving a heads up, here I am, writing once again.

I began this blog over 12 years ago, when I was in the Beauty industry, with the hopes of helping anyone who hated their hair, to love it. Soon the blog morphed into all things, from self care, to speaking your truth, to the magic of kindness. When I left the Beauty industry, I kept writing about hair and beauty products, but the thrill was gone. I noticed and was being told by many that my blogs about truth, kindness, real life and my Sunday Confessions were the most popular and the posts most were waiting for. So, I started to focus on those, which were well received by everyone, but me. I felt I was living a lie. Giving advice and perspective that I wasn’t taking. Between 2016 -2019, my personal life was a shit show. Plain and simple. I will not go into all the details, for not all the stories are mine to tell, and loved ones deserve their privacy until I am told otherwise. So there I was, trying to be all for everyone, trying to keep the momentum of my blog and consulting business going while working full time, all the while, not being genuine. Speaking my half truth if you will. I was exhausted. All these “mentors” I know personally or through a mutual acquaintance, showing their thriving lives and businesses, having their talks about manifesting the right way, getting their “side hustle” on, were making me feel like a failure. Yes, I know only I control how I feel or how I receive something, just get on this train with me for a moment. I was doing all the things. I was journaling, I was networking, I made a vision board, you name it, I did it. ….but it never felt quite right. I was worried I was depressed, or menopause was taking over my life. (I had a partial hysterectomy 12 years ago, so my early warning system is gone.). Then one day, I realized why it never felt quite right. I wasn’t telling it like it is. In fact, many were not.

What I’m about to say may, and probably will piss some people off. If you choose to be an influencer, a mentor or a life coach, could you please stop with the “dream it and be it” bullshit. Please, just stop. Listen, I’m all about positivity, ask anyone who knows me. I will find the diamond in a mountain of coal. I will give myself a headache trying to find something good in a bad situation okay? But this positivity with no process, is depressing and makes your clients feel like a failure. Also, unless you have had to build yourself or your business without any financial help from a spouse, maybe ease up on the “I did it! You can too!”. Seriously, so many women I know, who are single mothers by the way, give up because they are comparing themselves to someone who isn’t 100% real. Anyone can build a business or a brand when they have a spouse at home who can cover the mortgage, or pick up the kids from soccer practice. It’s easy to do anything if you have a soft place to fall and someone else to pay the bills. I personally know people who put out the perfect life on social media and they can’t pay their bills and don’t talk to their husband. It’s time to start telling it like it is.

If you are searching for truth, real truth, start reading and following Mel Robbins and Glennon Doyle. I adore Mel Robbins and Glennon Doyle, these fierce women tell it like it is. They do not sugar coat their lives, they talk about their achievements and their down falls. They own their confidence and their anxiety. They are real. Real is what this world needs. Real is what I need, and I believe what you need too. As all Mothers know, having a baby is wonderful and beautiful and cute but there is also a lot of shit that comes with it, literally and figuratively.

For those who are struggling, feeling like a bad mother, a bad friend, a failure at your side hustle, take a breath. Again. You are okay. You are doing the best you can today. Tomorrow will be better, if not tomorrow, the next day. Look within for your answers, they are there. You may not like them, but they are there and they have lessons for you to learn. Stop comparing yourself to others, most only show the highlight reel.

I’m just a girl, sitting in front of a computer screen, trying to tell it like it is.

We all know the childhood chant “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me.”. Oh, how I wish that were true. There has been many a moment I would have taken a blow to the gut rather than an unkind or untrue phrase spoken. Physical bruises heal. Emotional ones, when it comes to healing, those suckers move at a turtles pace. I am 46 years old and there are still some words I cannot erase from my mind.

We’ve all heard them, I am sorry to say. We’ve been called a liar, useless, fat, ugly…you name it, at some point in our lives, someone has uttered these words to us, and sadly, we have uttered them to ourselves. What I find the most heartbreaking is when we let someone else’s words begin to define us. I admit, I have fallen victim to this, in the past and even in the present. I was beginning to listen to the shouts of self doubt that were unfortunately being boosted up by the words of others. Then one night, after a shit show of a day, I sat down in bed and looked over at a journal I had been given years ago. It’s Tiffany blue and embossed in gold were the words “be happy”. I reached over, cracked it open and began to write. I wrote how I feeling, what I was thinking. After, I felt better. My feelings were still hurt, I was still confused about what to do, but I felt better. The next night before bed, I wrote again. I have continued to do so each night. That’s the wonderful thing about writing in a journal, you get the questions out of your head and sooner or later, answers appear.

When I was younger, I heard my mother say something to a friend of hers that was going through a difficult separation “we hate in others what we hate in ourselves.”. I found myself writing that phrase in my journal. I also remember as a child being told “when you point a finger, there are three pointing back at you.”. While writing last night, I finally got it. I stepped outside of myself and took a good, hard look at the lives of those around me who haven’t been the nicest as of late. They are all going through something. Be it trouble at work, trouble with family, battling some inner demon, even battling addiction. I came to realize that when they were pointing the finger at me, they were also pointing it at themselves. To be clear, there is no excuse for hurtful words or actions. What I am saying is trying to understand where they are coming from may bring you some peace. I am well aware that I am not a saint. I have had my moments that I took the low road and went for the jugular. Over the years I have made a commitment to myself not to behave that way. I do my best to listen and understand. I will take whatever is coming to me, if I deserve it.

We all get angry. We all get down on ourselves. We all get frustrated with life, family, work, you name it. I think we should all be allowed to feel whatever we are feeling. I do not believe we should be allowed to be mean about it. There is no reason for that, there is no honor to yourself or the other person. Saying hurtful things for the sake of argument is childish. Plain and simple. I have come to feel sorry for those who have been hurtful for hurtful’s sake. In the wee small hours of the morning, for the rest of their lives, they will have to live with the fact that they purposefully hurt someone they love. That is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

There is always a chance for kindness. As hard as it may be to do, we can stop saying something hurtful before we start. We can take a breath. When you feel like lashing out, take a moment to remember what you would do if you heard another person speaking this way. If you wouldn’t allow another person to speak in a hurtful way in your presence, maybe you shouldn’t either.