Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, gather ’round for the 17th edition of That Girl in the Red Coat’s tales of truth. I know that these tales are quite popular and are a fan favorite. I am beginning to wonder if you, my followers are sending people into my shop to see if their escapades and demands will make their way into my latest edition…sweet baby Jesus, I hope so.

A woman came into the shop asking if I sold hair clippers. I walked her over to our selection of clippers, explained their differences and their prices. Once I was finished she asked me “What kind of hair can I trim with these?”. I took a deep breath and asked “What hair do you want to trim?” as I silently told myself not to show it on my face as I wondered where I put the hand sanitizer. “Oh, the usual hair. My boyfriend’s hair, my hair, my pussycat’s hair. I like to give him a new spring hairdo every year.”. …thank god, she added cat to that sentence.

The phone rings and I answer with my standard greeting. “Yeah, Hi. Do you sell eyelashes?”. I let her know that we do retail false eyelashes and that the price ranges depending on if she wants acrylic or human hair eyelashes. “Oh my god! How do you get human eyelashes?!? Are they pulled out of people’s eyes and sold to the public?”. – I actually stood there, at the counter, took the phone away from my ear and stared at it.

We offer a great selection of flatirons. A woman came in because she needed to replace her flatiron. I showed her our selection and explained the differences in plate widths, which models had universal voltage and which were ceramic or titanium plates. She asked me “Why are there different widths to the plates?”. I let her know that it usually comes down to personal preference and that the 1 inch plate is the most popular because you can achieve a curl with it. “Why call it a flat iron if you can curl with it? It should be called a curling iron if you ask me!”.

A woman came in wanting to return her hairspray, slamming the bottle onto the counter, complaining that her hairspray wasn’t holding her style at all and that we had sold her crap. “Look at how wet and flat my hair is!”. Before I could look at the bottle she complained that her “leave in conditioner was a disappointment too!”. I took the bottle off the counter, turned it around to look at the label, gave it back to her and let her know that the bottle she wanted to return was her leave in conditioner and that she may have gotten the products mixed up. “Hmmpt….maybe that’s why my hair felt sticky when I was blowdrying.”.

A woman asked me what nail polish color was a good color. I let her know that the Spring collections were offering pastels and brights this year. So then she says “What color will I like?” I ask her “What is your favorite color?”. I guess that was the wrong question. “Look, I asked you what color would I like! Why won’t you tell me what color I would like?!?!”. I picked up the most popular pink shade and showed it to her, to which she told me “I don’t like pink.”.

The phone rings and before I can finish my greeting I hear “Yeah, I like colored my hair and it is kind of like red and gold, but more orange and kind of like yellow. Do you sell toner to fix it?”. I let her know that it would be best to go to a Salon and have them fix it for her, especially because I can’t see her hair to which she replied “I just told you the color it was.”.

With the temperatures rising and the days getting longer, those who have not ventured out in many months have decided to come out of their winter’s slumber and come into the shop with certain inquiries and questions. Once again, I cannot stress this enough…these are based on real events. I couldn’t make this shit up.

– Can nail polish remover be used on finger nails and toe nails?

– I used my foot cream on my hands. Do I need to see my doctor?

– Do I need to comb my husband’s back hair before I trim it?

– Can I use the glue from the dollar store on my false eyelashes?

– If my son uses my color shampoo will it color his hair?

– Will the scent of this hairspray bother my husband’s allergies?

– My car is in direct sunlight. Will my hairspray blow up while I am driving home?

– Do you color your hair so people won’t look at the scar on your neck? – this gem happened today

Last but never least, the piece de resistance…. A gentleman came into the shop inquiring about our hair removal products. He told me he had been going to someone for his “removal needs” but thought he could save some time and money having his own supplies at home. I showed him our selection of waxes and explained the difference between hard wax and cream waxes, which needed strips and which ones didn’t. “I have my girlfriend to help me with my back. I do have a question for you though. Is it possible for me to wax my own balls?”. Yep. His exact words. I looked him straight in the eye and told him that I wouldn’t suggest it, that it was possible and that there will be blood. “Maybe my girlfriend would do it for me” he said with  a wink and a smile and a nudge. I shit you not, a nudge. I just walked back  to the counter, rang through his purchase and wished him luck. …..a week later he came back to pick up a product his girlfriend had on hold. I knew who he was and what he had done. I rang through his purchase, wished him  a pleasant evening and that is when he quite proudly shared that “It worked and hardly any blood!”.